Worth Your Weight in Mustard

Riddle me this: Why is it when you go to a fast food joint it's so hard to get some mustard?

Mustard's a normal burger/hot dog topping, right? Ketchup and Mustard, the ever-together condiment twins. Am I nuts here?

Hey man, I'll sell you this '87 Iroc Z for 2700 packets.

The chick at the counter hands me my tray of food. I ask, "Can I get a packet of mustard?" Rather than just grabbing a couple mustard packets and handing them to me, I usually get one of three responses:  I might get, "You want honey mustard?" with a facial expression and tone that conveys skepticism and confusion. Did I f**king say honey mustard? No I did not. "No, just regular mustard, thanks," I respond. Which can sometimes bring me to the next response, which I sometimes actually arrive at first, bypassing the honey mustard litmus test altogether: the person helping me has to say, "Just a second," and is forced to consult another employee. An entire Mustard Committee must be formed in order to discuss, vote on, and accommodate my apparently freak request. "Do you know where we have any mustard?" they will ask their coworker in a baffled manner like I just asked them for a potted cactus and a can of shaving cream. I'm at a burger joint right? Mustard should not be that weird of a thing to ask for. I get so annoyed at the predictability of this scene that I end sentences like that last one with prepositions. The third type of response I get is the suspicious, "How many do you want?" They have the mustard back there, oh yes they do. But unlike the ketchup, which they will foist upon you in double fistfuls, like they can't give the stuff away, the mustard they guard jealously and mete out like there's a global shortage, or an impending apocalypse and the Wall Street bean counters have predicted that the vinegary yellow stuff will be the new world currency after we fight off all the zombies.

Seriously, am I effing crazy? I see other people putting mustard on things. I'm not the only one. Why are they holding out on me? I had a McDonald's employee tell me that they didn't have any mustard. At all. You're a burger joint for f**k's sakes! Is my family going to have to have an intervention on me and break the news that I am the last living person who wants some mustard on their burger, like they had to explain to that one lady on The View that the world isn't really flat? Is that what's going on here?

Is this important in the grand scheme of life? No it is not. I just don't understand this phenomenon at all. But I think I'm going to start hoarding mustard packets just in case. The first sign of zombies and I'm the next Bill Gates, muthaf**ka.